Linus Ullmark Breaks Silence: Discusses Sens Absence, Mental Health & False Rumors

For the first time since taking a leave of absence from the Ottawa Senators on Dec. 28, Linus Ullmark has spoken about his situation. The 32-year-old goaltender sat down with TSN’s Claire Hanna to address the circumstances of his leave, as well as his mental health, and the erroneous rumours that spread on social media in the wake of his departure. The interview has been edited for brevity and clarity. --- Claire Hanna: Linus, this is the first time you’ve spoken to the media since taking your leave of absence three weeks ago. First of all, just how are you doing? Linus Ullmark: I’m doing a lot better, thanks. It’s been, and is still, a journey. There is a lot of things going on still, but the person I am today and the things that I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks has been invaluable to me – not just as a hockey player, but as a person, as a father, and as a husband. Hanna: Normally, when somebody takes a leave of absence, we’d want to respect the privacy. But given the fact that your leave became so public and that the organization also released a statement that was very strongly worded, we have to ask. Why did you take the leave of absence? Ullmark: The real reason is mental health. And there’s been a lot going on for a long time. I would say dating back to, ever since the trade, and a lot of things have been positive as well throughout the years or these times. But a lot of the things that I had gone through or worried about hasn’t really been dealt with in the right way. And so, things have been piling on - off the ice, on the ice, stuff like that. And it comes a time - and you never know when - where the cup starts to overflow. And for me, that was the game against Toronto (on Dec. 27) where I was having panic attacks – not attacks, but, you know, seriously having anxiety problems and panic in between the first and second period and leading into the first period. But the interesting thing is that we hockey players always think that things are going to kind of sort themselves out. So, I kept playing, thinking that in the first period, kind of everything will settle once I get out there. And then you let in the first goal, first shot, first period - you know, I don’t know, 45 seconds in. That doesn’t really make you settle in very nicely. Now your thoughts start to get even more louder. And the thing is that I’ve learned a lot back in the day when my dad passed regarding depression, regarding sadness. How to really make the darkness your friend. And so, this was a whole new thing. But I also know that I was very scared. It was something that physically manifested in me during the game. And I was very, you know, I was not myself, basically. And it was evident. And as soon as the game was over, I called the (NHL/NHLPA Player Assistance) program - Dr. (Joel) Gold. And I said, “Hey. I’m f---ed up. I need help.” And together with the program, together with the organization, we set up a plan and I went through the motions and I took the absence of leave. And you know what the weirdest part of it all is? That is, I’m taking an absence of leave. I was very upfront with the team, telling them there’s a mental health issue, because it was. And I didn’t have the tools to deal with it. Things would just kind of spiral afterwards. And then Ian (Senators vice-president of communications Ian Mendes) told me when I came back here that the rumours that was being spread about me and my family started the day after I take an absence of leave. And people wonder why hockey players – professional athletes – are not talking. Why we’re not showing any sort of emotions. Why mental health in men and in women are a stigma. It took them less than 24 hours from my absence of leave to try to find reasons to why I’m gone. Saying that I’m a homewrecker, a person that no one likes in the team. And I can’t defend myself. I didn’t know about this until days later. And it sucks, because I have a family. I have a wife, I have kids. They get sent text messages asking, “Hey, are you guys good?” I’m like, “Yeah, why?” And then they tell you about it the rumours and you’re like, “What the f--- is wrong with people?” So, of course we’re not going to say anything. Because people love to just f------ drag you down. They just want to find a reason to bring you down to their level. They don’t care. (The) general public do not care. I’m not speaking about the Sens fans, because they’ve been awesome. But if people really, really want us in sports to be more upfront and honest, yeah – you gotta take a look hard look here at yourself in the mirror. Because this is just the proof I have now that I understand why people are shutting themselves in and tend to do other things than to ask for help. Hanna: It’s really hard to be open about mental health struggles and you’ve shared a lot about that. How hard is it to deal with those mental health struggles as somebody who’s in the spotlight? Ullmark: I have no issues with people thinking that I’m a bad goaltender or anything like that. When it comes to my performance on the ice, I’m the first one to know when I’m not playing up to my own standards. That’s part of the gig. I have no issues with that. In all my life, ever since I was a young kid, and something that my mom has always said is treat others as how you want to be treated yourself. And it takes one rumour to make you feel like everything that you work for and everything you just stand for is ruined. And that is really f------ hard and nothing that I wish upon anyone when it comes to that. So, when I spoke to Ian about this, all the feelings and all the things that I went through about the rumors, stuff like that - it’s not going to help me. It’s going to make things worse. I am dealing with one thing, and now I have to deal with another thing. And then getting sent the message that Steve (Senators general manager Steve Staios), and the organization put out was incredible. And then to hear all the nice things that the guys said in the locker room after coming home from that trip. Because all I’m thinking during this time is, “What are they thinking about me?” Like, everybody knows it’s untrue, but is this going to put doubts in their mind that I’m not who I am and I’m someone else that I’m trying to be, or something like that? I didn’t look at the interviews right away when they released them in the morning. But I came to the game together with my wife and we watched it and they showed the interviews and it was heartwarming. And it was really nice to see the camaraderie and the love that they had. And everybody said the same thing. And that really helped me to, not put it completely aside, but little by little - helping me in the way of dealing with it. Hanna: What did you expect the response of the team to be? Were you worried that there would be a different response other than support from your teammates? Ullmark: Yup, that’s the first thing you think. What are they gonna say? Are they going to have my back? That was the first thing and the biggest thing that I was worried about, until the (team) release and I went to the game and actually heard what they were saying. And I had the same worries my first day back here on Monday. I texted a player that I’ve been having chats with saying, “Hey - I’m going back, first day back seeing everybody. I’m really nervous. I’m really nervous.” But he just sent me a couple of nice texts. And I spoke to Dr. Carla as well who’s been helping me, and she said the same thing - “You got this, this is going to be positive... And seeing the general surprise and happiness and joy, when, one by one, they saw that I was around the team - it made me very emotional. In a good way. Because a lot of the doubts, and a lot of the demons that I had coming into the rink just left the building. And now the CTC (Canadian Tire Centre) didn’t become a place where I was afraid of, and feeling anxiety about entering. It became the place where I know that there’s a lot of warmth, there’s a lot of love and there’s a lot of joy as well. Hanna: How did it get to be that place that you were scared about entering? Where did that anxiety come from? Ullmark: I felt like I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was at the time and I didn’t know why I am having...I don’t know why I’m even playing hockey. What is it that drives me? What is it that makes hockey fun? All these things, it’s just ripped up into a paper ball and tossed out the window or in the trash can. You lose everything, or I lost everything. So when you’re dealing with that, for me, you’re second-guessing everything that you’ve ever done in your career. You know, have I really done anything? Have I accomplished anything? Have I wasted 10 years of mine and my wife’s life by just playing hockey? You know, it gets to that point. And when you’re beating yourself up in that matter, and together with those things, now you’re starting feeling that, even though you take the time to, not isolate yourself, but taking yourself away from the team, now you don’t know what’s going on here because you have to work on yourself. Now all the doubts and all those little demons that are causing these negative thoughts are becoming stronger and bigger and louder. And they affect you. Hanna: You talked about seeking help and talking to different doctors. Why do you think right now is the right time to return to the team? Ullmark: Well, before we get into that - first of all, I’m not. I’m not ready yet. This is just a step along the way. But I have to give my utmost gratitude and love for my wife, who has been there every single day, helping me deal with this, allowing me to do the necessary things for me, and still being a rock by my side. That I can always lean on. It’s something that I never want to take for granted and will never do. And together with her, Dr. Gold, Dr. Carla, (head athletic therapist) Domenic Nicoletta, Steve, Poulie (senior vice-president of hockey operations Dave Poulin), every single one from the organization together with, actually, one of the biggest supports I’ve got is from Victor Hedman. Tampa Bay. He’s an ambassador for a company or initiative called ‘No Solo’ down in Florida, I think it is where it’s stationed. He reached out to me, and I wasn’t going to call him at the time. I know he’s got two kids; he’s got his own thing going on. But he reached out saying, “I’d like you to call me.” So, I took the courage, which is a weird thing to say, I grabbed the courage to call him. He really helped me sort out things and things that I was going through and that I’m still going through. So, I’ve got huge love. My respect for him went even further up. I said that the organization has always been there and they even helped me bring in my old goalie coach from my junior days - Maciej (Szwoch) - and we went on the ice for three days, just playing hockey, having fun with it. He - both him and Moa (Ullmark’s wife) have seen me at my worst. Maciej saw me break down after a morning skate in Sweden during a time when my dad was going through a really rough time and I was going through a really rough time as a teenager, thinking that I should stop playing hockey and that I need to take care of my dad. So, he’s seen me at my worst, he’s seen me at my best. So, having him here, helping me put a perspective on things. We went on the ice and then usually you start moving around, playing the puck, going to the net, doing things like that. But he went to the middle of the rink, sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m proud of you.” I’m just looking down on the ice, and I could feel all the emotions rising. He kept saying, “I’m so g----mn proud of you for who you are. The person that you’ve become.” Hanna: This was just a couple of days ago? Ullmark: That was last week. During this time, it’s all about perspective. Because once you start losing yourself and you start thinking all these sort of things, and you’re doubting yourself or your self-confidence drops or whatever it may be, having people around you, talking about it, being open, allowing yourself to feel the emotions that you feel is okay. I didn’t have these tools on the 27th to deal with this. And that’s why I took the absence. Because I had to get away, I had to really figure things out before they turned to even - become an even worse problem. And you never know, you know? Maybe things would have gone different against Toronto, and I would have kept playing and being around the team, and all of a sudden it turned into an even bigger monster that would take an even longer time to deal with. So, yeah, I’m very fortunate and I’m very grateful to every single person that has reached out, showed support been there, leaned their shoulder tighter, just listened, cried with, cry against. I will never take it for granted. Hanna: I want to go back to a day after you’d taken the leave of absence, and I know you referenced Moa, your wife, the day when the statement was released. Your general manager, Steve Staios, said “outside forces are trying to disrupt the team.” What was that day like for you amidst dealing with all of this? Ullmark: I think, for me at first, I’m laughing about it at first, thinking: What kind of a rumour is it? How bad can it be? I’ve heard a lot of things. Then you realize that - whoa. And then you’re like, what the? This is bad. Like, this is really bad. I called Ian - he asked me “Hey, how are you doing.” I said, “I’m furious. I’m getting sent all these things. I’m having people reach out to me asking if me and Moa are good, worrying about our relationship and how we are.” You realize how when people are allowed to be anonymous online, they can say whatever they want without repercussions. I truly believe there should be ways that people are forced to have their names made public – I can’t say that I’m someone else, the things that I do, the charities that I support – I can’t have an alter ego when it comes to those sorts of things. I know I have a very old Twitter account I haven’t used for years and years and years. It’s a weird one. I was 17 at the time and I haven’t switched obviously. It just sucks that the evil in people is free to roam the internet without repercussions. Hanna: You’ve been so open about your mental health in this conversation. What do you hope to achieve by being so open about this in a public way? Ullmark: There’s no greater things that I’m trying to achieve. I just wanted to feel whole again. I wanted to be me. I wanted to feel like myself again. I didn’t contact Dr. Gold or Dominico or Steve and say, “Hey I’m going to take an absence of leave because I feel like it. And give me some greater things in the end.” No, it’s about me. I’m broken and I need help fixing. One thing I have realized though during all these three weeks, there’s a lot of people that are hurting. I’ve had some really interesting, hard, tough, emotional, conversations with dear friends and people that I’ve seen throughout my career that have reached out to me and told me about their sufferings and what they have gone through and what they’ve done and what has helped them. Do I wish that me being open will help people? Yeah, at the end of the day it would be a nice thing. But it wasn’t my plan. My plan was to fix me.