Beckham Family Estrangement: Therapists Reveal Common Causes

Family therapists say they typically come across three reasons why parents and children become estranged: abuse, new partners, and irreconcilable differences over morals, values and beliefs. At least two of these were evident in the Beckhams’ highly publicised family feud, which culminated in Brooklyn Beckham’s scathing Instagram post this week announcing his estrangement. Brooklyn said he did “not want to reconcile” with his family, citing his parents’ attempts “endlessly to ruin my relationship” and a desire to break free from their “performative social media posts, family events and inauthentic relationships”. Although the Beckhams live what Becca Bland, a psychotherapist and expert on family estrangement, described as “a unicorn life” with “extraordinary features”, estrangement is more common than many people realise – and often plays out in a similar way in other families. Research from Stand Alone, the charity founded by Bland, found that at least one in five UK families have experienced it. Figures from the US found that 10% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child, while another study found more than 40% of participants had experienced estrangement. A parent responding insensitively to a child’s new partner was an “incredibly common” rupture, Bland said. This was compounded by Brooklyn feeling he “doesn’t have the same values, he hasn’t sought out fame, he’s been given it without permission”. The best way to heal a rift was through sensitive communication and empathy, rather than necessarily reaching for labels such as “narcissistic” and “abusive”, she said. “A lot of estranged parents are very well intended, but don’t understand that [their intentions] didn’t create the impact for their child to feel loved or supported or included. The child might feel controlled or highly criticised,” she said. However if one side continued to deny the other’s perspective, then estrangement couuld be the healthiest option, she said. Lucy Blake, a psychology researcher at the University of West of England who has written a book on family estrangement, said studies showed there was no “normal” relationship between parents and their adult children. She said no two estrangements were the same, and could include no contact, low or limited contact, and movement between these over time. There have been concerns in the US that some therapists are too quick to recommend cutting off contact, but Blake said reputable registered therapists in the UK should offer “non‑directive therapy, where the goal is not to steer clients toward a particular decision”. Her research suggested therapy was most helpful when estrangement was not presented as a “one-size-fits-all experience”. Whether it was helpful usually depended on whether the person had an alternative source of support, and if they needed protection from abusive dynamics and space to be themselves, she said. Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh, a family psychotherapist and honorary lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire, said she had observed an increase in the number of patients showing awareness of therapeutic concepts, such as emotional abuse, narcissism and boundary-setting. “In general, with the clients I see it’s really helpful to be able to name it, to recognise if a family member is gaslighting or projecting their trauma on to them,” she said. However, she added, these labels could be unhelpful if used “flippantly”. Estrangement was “often the last resort”, she said, and should only be recommended in situations involving extreme behaviour, such as ongoing abuse, substance abuse or coercive control, “where the other person has no insight into how their behaviour is affecting you and that person is being re-traumatised every time they go into the family situation”. Instead, setting boundaries about where you meet – a public place rather than a home – how much time is spent together, or the conversation topics that will not lead to conflict can be more helpful. The Beckhams’ example echoed how many children pushed back against their parents in their late 20s, during the emerging adulthood stage, she said. She also saw lots of clients who had problems within family businesses. “It’s almost like a cult type way of being … people can feel very trapped in this situation, also because of the money involved.” Often there was a “cycle breaker”, such as Brooklyn or Prince Harry, who rebelled against the united front and keeping up of appearances. “Commonly they’ll choose a partner who doesn’t align with the family belief system, and can support their breaking away,” she said. Debbie Keenan, a psychotherapist, said when she worked with a client contemplating estrangement, she asked them to consider the consequences, including the lack of support, the stigma and potential backlash from other family members. “I think it was incredibly brave of Brooklyn to speak out,” she said. “That took a lot of courage. I think he’s putting his partner first. There’s three sides to that story, but there’s conflict and a lot of resentment there.” She said both sides would probably experience a grieving process and she suggested the Beckhams should “take time to reflect” on what had caused the rupture – for example, some parents valued their child’s success if it boosted their reputation or self-esteem – or face the risk that “the ripples of this will cascade down the generations”.